Monday, November 23, 2015

Bittersweet new beginnings.... 11/23/2015

My how much can change in such a short period of time. Our precious Heather passed away on Sept. 7....almost 3 months ago. It still overwhelms my soul when those words cross my lips. It's a nightmare that for the most part I ignore so that I can function everyday. I refuse to let my grief consume me. She fought hard and the Lord saw that it was time to end her fighting. I have been back in the gym for a while now. My first weigh in was 361 lb.  I am now at 347lb., so I have lost 14lb. so far.  I have been working out hard and trying to find anything to pour my attention into to keep my mind busy. Today has been a rough day. I am a week out from gall bladder surgery, so I haven't worked out in a week, I have missed 3 volleyball games, and Jacob is off from school, so today we just sat around the house. So not good for me. I hate sitting around the house now. Satan is surely there just waiting to attack my soul. I've been so depressed today. I finally mustered up enough will power to get dressed and make me some coffee in hopes that I could dig myself out and maybe this day not be so suffocating to my soul. Then I started working on my South Beach Diet folder. I am sincerely going to try to get myself back to where I was before this nightmare ever entered my life. I have to try for my Heather.

           I'm thankful for the people that God has blessed me with through this trial. I have some amazing work-out partners, and one person in particular that has helped me in so many ways I can't name them all. Tori, I am so thankful that we get to conquer this mountain together. You can make me laugh, I truly treasure that right now. You are good for my soul. I thank God for divinely placing you in my life. Along with my sister Cathy. I am so thankful that I have you in my life. You give me the push that I need to accomplish goals that seem unreachable to me. I am so thankful for the rock that I have in you. You challenge me daily to better myself. <3 <3 <3

         Today I plan to finish my folder, and maybe go grocery shopping tomorrow so that I have what I need to make this deliciousness food!! I'll be honest, my heart isn't really into the eating portion of this journey, but I know that it is the most integral part of it, and I know that it helped me immensely last time. I actually grew to love it. I know that I can reach that place again. I just have to reach for it. I can't wait to be healed up enough to where I can get back into the gym and get back to playing my volleyball!!

          This new journey is so much more than what meets the eye. After Heather was diagnosed I had to learn how to disconnect myself from my feelings/emotions. It was the only way I knew how to get up in the morning and help my daughter fight this beast called cancer. I had to turn off my feelings and just do. I became so good at it, I started to scare myself because I knew it wasn't good for me. Your spiritual wellness and your emotional wellness go hand in hand, and even though I talked to God daily, I no longer bore my heart out before Him. I just couldn't. If I did that, I would never be able to get up. I would have been a weeping ball of uncontrollable mess before Him. I know that if my heart is to ever even have the chance at "joy" again, I have to take down my carefully built wall and allow myself to feel again. That is the only way I'll ever be able to feel Him again. To allow Him to come into my heart and restore my soul. To feel His presence in my life again. I want that so badly, but with every brick I dislodge and take down comes a flooding of emotions that I don't know how to control. I have so many times just put the brick back up so that the tears would stop falling. This is going to be the most painful journey I'll ever embark on, and I have no idea where it ends; or even if it does. I pray that there is restoration somewhere.... I have to believe there is.

       I am extremely thankful and grateful to all that love me and care about me enough to follow me on this journey. God has set before me all that I need to accomplish my goals, I just have to let my guard down and let Him in again. I know that my strength comes through Him.


Friday, April 10, 2015

Starting Over.....4/6/2015

So, today starts my second attempt at losing weight. Looking back at the last time I posted makes my heart heavy. The day before our lives would change forever. I was so happy. I was doing so good. Then the unthinkable happened. Since then, I have given into the anxiety and depression that follows finding out one of your children are gravely ill and the need to feel some sort of satisfaction, even if only momentarily, and ate whatever I wanted, when I wanted. I wasn't able to continue working out....and well, here I am. Not only have I gained every pound back that I had lost, I've put on more. Talk about adding to my already overwhelming depression!! Now that our lives have settled some and we have been able to resume some sort of life a midst this nightmare, I have to get back up and try again. I wanted so desperately to have the lap-band surgery done. That way no matter what happens I would not be able to return to food for my comfort. Which is a big fear that I have. But, our insurance doesn't cover I will have to conquer my weight and myself. I pray my depression gets better as I begin to work out again. I know it really helped me before and I pray it will do so again and maybe even more so than last time. I have a secret fear of having breakdowns while I work out. Exercise truly cleanses your body and soul, and I have A LOT of emotional baggage tucked and hidden away right now.

*Ok, so I never got around to finishing this and posting it. Ha, I have been doing good with my eating (to a point) and I got on the scale and seen I had lost almost 7 lbs. since I last weighed. That was encouraging!! However, yesterday depression got me and I did not eat well. I had a good amount of chocolate, and missed lunch all together....

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Monday, July 7, 2014

Today was SUCH a great day!!! I had class this morning and had 4 people come (Sheryl, Crystal, Annetta, and Ashley) Such a blessing to have women to dance and worship with!! I was so pumped I actually had over 8000 steps after class! Wow!! Then Sheryl was my workout buddy on the elliptical :) So nice to have a workout buddy!! Came home cleaned house...FULL of energy... Ate a late lunch/supper and then we went to watch Edgewood play ball :) Tomorrow is weights day.... OH MY! 

Breakfast: 2 hard boiled eggs, apple/ coffee

Lunch/supper: salad, with lots of cantelope/ water

Snack: cantelope, some little chocolate chips..

Exercise: 1 hr. Devoted fitness and then 20 min. on the elliptical. 
Total Steps: 13,348!! Oh yeah! 

Water: 3 bottles. 

Sunday, July 6, 2014

:) Sunday :) Today was a great day of worship at church and then we went to the lake with Jamie and family. Didn't really have a whole lot of luck fishing, but we had a good time hanging out. Jacob played in the water, and we relaxed. Oh it's been too long! I so love going to the lake! Heather spent the weekend with a Darla, so she wasn't with us, and Little Emma was so great the ENTIRE time we were there, she never fussed once, she just happily played in her little pay pen we brought along... It was so nice :) Great Sunday evening. 

Breakfast: grapes, cantelope, a little hash brown casserole and LOTS of watermelon!/water

Lunch: greasy Long John Silvers. I had forgotten how much grease food COULD have.. Good but greasy!

Supper: grapes, a couple cookies, some chips... Snackin'

Snack: when we returned we invited Jamie and family over for homemade icecream. 

Exercise: nothing in particular, but tickled that I got over 5000 for a non-gym day :)
Total steps: 5,197

Water: 4 bottles...

Saturday, July 5, 2014

Saturday, July 5, 2014(Day 7 WS diet)

Day 7: Today you can have veggies and fruits(yay) along with juices. With the soup. 

Today I started out cleaning house as usual, then the kids and I went up to the produce stand where Eric and Heather were selling icecream, stayed there till around six and then went to a friends house for supper... So today was my last day... And you can so totally call me a quitter, but I did not follow the diet today. Maybe it is because I didn't follow it to the T, but through the week I actually GAINED 2 lb. that thankfully came back off by today, so my BIG weight loss is.... ZILCH! I'm positive had I just kept my normal eating habits along with my exercise I would be skinner than I am right now, lol.. What lesson did I take from this... Well, if you need a good clean out, this cabbage soup does WONDERS!! ;)
Breakfast: 2 apples

Lunch: grilled squash, zucchini and onions, ear of corn, and some grilled potatoes

Supper: hamburger, salad, and an ear of corn.

Snack: a little homemade icecream.

Exercise: well, Cathy and I took an evening walk after supper with the girls :)
Total steps:6,147

Water: 3-4 bottles of water

Friday, July 4, 2014(Day 6 WS diet)

Day 6: Today you many have veggies and protein along with soup. 

Well I spent the day babysitting and cleaning/snapping beans. Then we went to watch the fireworks. My legs are finally starting to feel better YAY!! Not 100% better but close. I'm glad to! I don't want to lead class again with hurting legs! As far as food, I have ate a lot of squash today. I've been busy and that was the quickest thing I could think to eat within my diet. I also had some cucumber and of course the soup... One more day..  Still haven't lost anything... In fact. I've gained a pound! But I'm gonna stick it through I reckon to say I completed it...also, I have been using salt a good but more than usual.. So it may be water weight.. We will see.

Breakfast: squash and soup

Lunch: squash and soup

Supper: squash 

Snacks:  cucumber

Exercise: snapping beans....and more snapping beans....
Total steps: 1,862

Water: ummm not much :( smh!

Thursday, July 3,2014(Day 5 of WS diet)

Day 5: Today you can only tomatoes(6-8) and protein like chicken, turkey, or fish along with the soup.

Well, I knew today was gonna stink! I like tomatoes, but not THAT many tomatoes, I ended up with 6 ate by the end of the day. I'm not sure if I'm not doing something right, or if my little untimely cheats really hurt the diet, but I have seen no weight loss so far... Bummer! My legs are still incredibly sore from the weight lifting, I think I way over done it. I'm gonna have to tone it back some and work up to that... I got so busy I forgot about my awesome protein for the day, so I ended up with some tuna... :/ sigh!

Breakfast:tomatoes and soup

Lunch:tomatoes and soup

Dinner: tomatoes, soup, and a small amount of tuna.

Snack: you guessed it... Tomatoes!! Lol

Exercise: not a lot, my legs are still hurting, but I did stretch them out good while picking beans. I was supposed to lift again today, but I knew there was in way!!
Total Steps: 1,952

Water: ? I have really got to start being more intentional with my drinking!!