My how much can change in such a short period of time. Our precious Heather passed away on Sept. 7....almost 3 months ago. It still overwhelms my soul when those words cross my lips. It's a nightmare that for the most part I ignore so that I can function everyday. I refuse to let my grief consume me. She fought hard and the Lord saw that it was time to end her fighting. I have been back in the gym for a while now. My first weigh in was 361 lb. I am now at 347lb., so I have lost 14lb. so far. I have been working out hard and trying to find anything to pour my attention into to keep my mind busy. Today has been a rough day. I am a week out from gall bladder surgery, so I haven't worked out in a week, I have missed 3 volleyball games, and Jacob is off from school, so today we just sat around the house. So not good for me. I hate sitting around the house now. Satan is surely there just waiting to attack my soul. I've been so depressed today. I finally mustered up enough will power to get dressed and make me some coffee in hopes that I could dig myself out and maybe this day not be so suffocating to my soul. Then I started working on my South Beach Diet folder. I am sincerely going to try to get myself back to where I was before this nightmare ever entered my life. I have to try for my Heather.
I'm thankful for the people that God has blessed me with through this trial. I have some amazing work-out partners, and one person in particular that has helped me in so many ways I can't name them all. Tori, I am so thankful that we get to conquer this mountain together. You can make me laugh, I truly treasure that right now. You are good for my soul. I thank God for divinely placing you in my life. Along with my sister Cathy. I am so thankful that I have you in my life. You give me the push that I need to accomplish goals that seem unreachable to me. I am so thankful for the rock that I have in you. You challenge me daily to better myself. <3 <3 <3
Today I plan to finish my folder, and maybe go grocery shopping tomorrow so that I have what I need to make this deliciousness food!! I'll be honest, my heart isn't really into the eating portion of this journey, but I know that it is the most integral part of it, and I know that it helped me immensely last time. I actually grew to love it. I know that I can reach that place again. I just have to reach for it. I can't wait to be healed up enough to where I can get back into the gym and get back to playing my volleyball!!
This new journey is so much more than what meets the eye. After Heather was diagnosed I had to learn how to disconnect myself from my feelings/emotions. It was the only way I knew how to get up in the morning and help my daughter fight this beast called cancer. I had to turn off my feelings and just do. I became so good at it, I started to scare myself because I knew it wasn't good for me. Your spiritual wellness and your emotional wellness go hand in hand, and even though I talked to God daily, I no longer bore my heart out before Him. I just couldn't. If I did that, I would never be able to get up. I would have been a weeping ball of uncontrollable mess before Him. I know that if my heart is to ever even have the chance at "joy" again, I have to take down my carefully built wall and allow myself to feel again. That is the only way I'll ever be able to feel Him again. To allow Him to come into my heart and restore my soul. To feel His presence in my life again. I want that so badly, but with every brick I dislodge and take down comes a flooding of emotions that I don't know how to control. I have so many times just put the brick back up so that the tears would stop falling. This is going to be the most painful journey I'll ever embark on, and I have no idea where it ends; or even if it does. I pray that there is restoration somewhere.... I have to believe there is.
I am extremely thankful and grateful to all that love me and care about me enough to follow me on this journey. God has set before me all that I need to accomplish my goals, I just have to let my guard down and let Him in again. I know that my strength comes through Him.