Bittersweet new beginnings.... 11/23/2015

My how much can change in such a short period of time. Our precious Heather passed away on Sept. 7....almost 3 months ago. It still overwhelms my soul when those words cross my lips. It's a nightmare that for the most part I ignore so that I can function everyday. I refuse to let my grief consume me. She fought hard and the Lord saw that it was time to end her fighting. I have been back in the gym for a while now. My first weigh in was 361 lb.  I am now at 347lb., so I have lost 14lb. so far.  I have been working out hard and trying to find anything to pour my attention into to keep my mind busy. Today has been a rough day. I am a week out from gall bladder surgery, so I haven't worked out in a week, I have missed 3 volleyball games, and Jacob is off from school, so today we just sat around the house. So not good for me. I hate sitting around the house now. Satan is surely there just waiting to attack my soul. I've been so depressed today. I finally mustered up enough will power to get dressed and make me some coffee in hopes that I could dig myself out and maybe this day not be so suffocating to my soul. Then I started working on my South Beach Diet folder. I am sincerely going to try to get myself back to where I was before this nightmare ever entered my life. I have to try for my Heather.

           I'm thankful for the people that God has blessed me with through this trial. I have some amazing work-out partners, and one person in particular that has helped me in so many ways I can't name them all. Tori, I am so thankful that we get to conquer this mountain together. You can make me laugh, I truly treasure that right now. You are good for my soul. I thank God for divinely placing you in my life. Along with my sister Cathy. I am so thankful that I have you in my life. You give me the push that I need to accomplish goals that seem unreachable to me. I am so thankful for the rock that I have in you. You challenge me daily to better myself. <3 <3 <3

         Today I plan to finish my folder, and maybe go grocery shopping tomorrow so that I have what I need to make this deliciousness food!! I'll be honest, my heart isn't really into the eating portion of this journey, but I know that it is the most integral part of it, and I know that it helped me immensely last time. I actually grew to love it. I know that I can reach that place again. I just have to reach for it. I can't wait to be healed up enough to where I can get back into the gym and get back to playing my volleyball!!

          This new journey is so much more than what meets the eye. After Heather was diagnosed I had to learn how to disconnect myself from my feelings/emotions. It was the only way I knew how to get up in the morning and help my daughter fight this beast called cancer. I had to turn off my feelings and just do. I became so good at it, I started to scare myself because I knew it wasn't good for me. Your spiritual wellness and your emotional wellness go hand in hand, and even though I talked to God daily, I no longer bore my heart out before Him. I just couldn't. If I did that, I would never be able to get up. I would have been a weeping ball of uncontrollable mess before Him. I know that if my heart is to ever even have the chance at "joy" again, I have to take down my carefully built wall and allow myself to feel again. That is the only way I'll ever be able to feel Him again. To allow Him to come into my heart and restore my soul. To feel His presence in my life again. I want that so badly, but with every brick I dislodge and take down comes a flooding of emotions that I don't know how to control. I have so many times just put the brick back up so that the tears would stop falling. This is going to be the most painful journey I'll ever embark on, and I have no idea where it ends; or even if it does. I pray that there is restoration somewhere.... I have to believe there is.

       I am extremely thankful and grateful to all that love me and care about me enough to follow me on this journey. God has set before me all that I need to accomplish my goals, I just have to let my guard down and let Him in again. I know that my strength comes through Him.

~Angel

Starting Over.....4/6/2015

So, today starts my second attempt at losing weight. Looking back at the last time I posted makes my heart heavy. The day before our lives would change forever. I was so happy. I was doing so good. Then the unthinkable happened. Since then, I have given into the anxiety and depression that follows finding out one of your children are gravely ill and the need to feel some sort of satisfaction, even if only momentarily, and ate whatever I wanted, when I wanted. I wasn't able to continue working out....and well, here I am. Not only have I gained every pound back that I had lost, I've put on more. Talk about adding to my already overwhelming depression!! Now that our lives have settled some and we have been able to resume some sort of life a midst this nightmare, I have to get back up and try again. I wanted so desperately to have the lap-band surgery done. That way no matter what happens I would not be able to return to food for my comfort. Which is a big fear that I have. But, our insurance doesn't cover it....so I will have to conquer my weight and myself. I pray my depression gets better as I begin to work out again. I know it really helped me before and I pray it will do so again and maybe even more so than last time. I have a secret fear of having breakdowns while I work out. Exercise truly cleanses your body and soul, and I have A LOT of emotional baggage tucked and hidden away right now.


*Ok, so I never got around to finishing this and posting it. Ha, I have been doing good with my eating (to a point) and I got on the scale and seen I had lost almost 7 lbs. since I last weighed. That was encouraging!! However, yesterday depression got me and I did not eat well. I had a good amount of chocolate, and missed lunch all together....

Monday, July 7, 2014

Today was SUCH a great day!!! I had class this morning and had 4 people come (Sheryl, Crystal, Annetta, and Ashley) Such a blessing to have women to dance and worship with!! I was so pumped I actually had over 8000 steps after class! Wow!! Then Sheryl was my workout buddy on the elliptical :) So nice to have a workout buddy!! Came home cleaned house...FULL of energy... Ate a late lunch/supper and then we went to watch Edgewood play ball :) Tomorrow is weights day.... OH MY! 

Meals:

Breakfast: 2 hard boiled eggs, apple/ coffee

Lunch/supper: salad, with lots of cantelope/ water

Snack: cantelope, some little chocolate chips..

Exercise: 1 hr. Devoted fitness and then 20 min. on the elliptical. 

Total Steps: 13,348!! Oh yeah! 

Water: 3 bottles. 

Sunday, July 6, 2014

:) Sunday :) Today was a great day of worship at church and then we went to the lake with Jamie and family. Didn't really have a whole lot of luck fishing, but we had a good time hanging out. Jacob played in the water, and we relaxed. Oh it's been too long! I so love going to the lake! Heather spent the weekend with a Darla, so she wasn't with us, and Little Emma was so great the ENTIRE time we were there, she never fussed once, she just happily played in her little pay pen we brought along... It was so nice :) Great Sunday evening. 

Meals:

Breakfast: grapes, cantelope, a little hash brown casserole and LOTS of watermelon!/water

Lunch: greasy Long John Silvers. I had forgotten how much grease food COULD have.. Good but greasy!

Supper: grapes, a couple cookies, some chips... Snackin'

Snack: when we returned we invited Jamie and family over for homemade icecream. 

Exercise: nothing in particular, but tickled that I got over 5000 for a non-gym day :)

Total steps: 5,197

Water: 4 bottles...

Saturday, July 5, 2014(Day 7 WS diet)

Day 7: Today you can have veggies and fruits(yay) along with juices. With the soup. 

Today I started out cleaning house as usual, then the kids and I went up to the produce stand where Eric and Heather were selling icecream, stayed there till around six and then went to a friends house for supper... So today was my last day... And you can so totally call me a quitter, but I did not follow the diet today. Maybe it is because I didn't follow it to the T, but through the week I actually GAINED 2 lb. that thankfully came back off by today, so my BIG weight loss is.... ZILCH! I'm positive had I just kept my normal eating habits along with my exercise I would be skinner than I am right now, lol.. What lesson did I take from this... Well, if you need a good clean out, this cabbage soup does WONDERS!! ;)

Meals: 

Breakfast: 2 apples

Lunch: grilled squash, zucchini and onions, ear of corn, and some grilled potatoes

Supper: hamburger, salad, and an ear of corn.

Snack: a little homemade icecream.

Exercise: well, Cathy and I took an evening walk after supper with the girls :)

Total steps:6,147

Water: 3-4 bottles of water

Friday, July 4, 2014(Day 6 WS diet)

Day 6: Today you many have veggies and protein along with soup. 

Well I spent the day babysitting and cleaning/snapping beans. Then we went to watch the fireworks. My legs are finally starting to feel better YAY!! Not 100% better but close. I'm glad to! I don't want to lead class again with hurting legs! As far as food, I have ate a lot of squash today. I've been busy and that was the quickest thing I could think to eat within my diet. I also had some cucumber and of course the soup... One more day..  Still haven't lost anything... In fact. I've gained a pound! But I'm gonna stick it through I reckon to say I completed it...also, I have been using salt a good but more than usual.. So it may be water weight.. We will see.

Meals:

Breakfast: squash and soup

Lunch: squash and soup

Supper: squash 

Snacks:  cucumber

Exercise: snapping beans....and more snapping beans....

Total steps: 1,862

Water: ummm not much :( smh!

Thursday, July 3,2014(Day 5 of WS diet)

Day 5: Today you can only tomatoes(6-8) and protein like chicken, turkey, or fish along with the soup.

Well, I knew today was gonna stink! I like tomatoes, but not THAT many tomatoes, I ended up with 6 ate by the end of the day. I'm not sure if I'm not doing something right, or if my little untimely cheats really hurt the diet, but I have seen no weight loss so far... Bummer! My legs are still incredibly sore from the weight lifting, I think I way over done it. I'm gonna have to tone it back some and work up to that... I got so busy I forgot about my awesome protein for the day, so I ended up with some tuna... :/ sigh!

Meals:

Breakfast:tomatoes and soup

Lunch:tomatoes and soup

Dinner: tomatoes, soup, and a small amount of tuna.

Snack: you guessed it... Tomatoes!! Lol

Exercise: not a lot, my legs are still hurting, but I did stretch them out good while picking beans. I was supposed to lift again today, but I knew there was in way!!

Total Steps: 1,952

Water: ? I have really got to start being more intentional with my drinking!!

Wednesday, July 2, 2014(Day 4 WS diet)

Day 4: Today you can have bananas and milk/yogurt along with soup. I have been looking forward to this day! Bananas!! Yumm!!

Today was an OUCHY day!!! My thighs are SOOOO SORE! I did however make it  through class and then walked on the treadmill for about 40 min. I was really trying to "work out" my stiffness and soreness, but... that didn't happen. I'm still crazy sore! I got Eric to give my legs a deep massage!! Oh my! Hoping it helps... Lol, before I go tomorrow evening to do it again haha... Something I've learned... Just keep swimming and it WILL get easier!

Meals:

Breakfast: yogurt and 2 bananas

Lunch: soup

Supper: banana, yogurt, soup.

Snacks: banana

Exercise:1 hr. Devoted fitness, 40 min. on the treadmill. 

Total Steps: 12,425

Water: 2qt.

Tuesday, July 1, 2014(Day 3 WS diet)

Day 3: You can have all the fruits and vegetables that you like, (minus exceptions) and your soup.

Yay! I am so glad that I can have fruits today! I wanted to note that though my first day had a lot of bathroom visits, yesterday and today were not near as bad :) I went to the gym this evening at 5 for the first of my weight-lifting sessions... It killed me lol! So though bummed we only had one person(who we invited to stay from Zumba) when she had to go ahead and leave 15 min. into class... I was so relieved... Annika and I wobbled our way to our vehicles and went on home. 

Meals: 

Breakfast: 2 peaches, apple 

Lunch: soup

Supper:soup

Snacks:apple

Exercise: 15 min. Squats and overhead presses? Lol, and about 15 min. of class

Total Steps:4,953

Water: 2 qt.

Monday, June 30, 2014( Day 2 WS diet)

Day 2: you may only eat veggies(except for corn and other starchy vegetables) and the wonder soup. 

Alright so today was quite the busy day for me. Had gym, then walmart, then home and picked out of the garden, showered, made kale chips, chopped up cantelope to eat tomorrow and LOTS of squash for the freezer. Then helped Eric with making 4 gal. of icecream... Ahhh... Now, on to the diet... Today was hard. Hard because I REALLY wanted fruit and hated that I couldn't have any. For breakfast I had 2 hard boiled eggs, not exactly part of the diet, but I knew I needed it to be able to go to the gym and actually have the strength to work out. Ended up being just me, so I went and jumped on the elliptical and then got the guts to try the stair stepper...excited about class tomorrow evening. Really hoping for a good turn out!

Meals:

Breakfast: 2 hard boiled eggs/water

Lunch: Salad with broccoli and carrots with a vinegarette dressing(yuck) and soup. 

Supper: Grilled squash(lots) and soup

Snacks: just before bed I ate a little cantelope.

Exercise: 1 hr. on the elliptical and 10 min. on the stair stepper.

I was really surprised by the fact that I had about the same number of steps at the end of the hour that I usually get in class. I was right at 6,900 steps... 

Total Steps: 9,339

Water: 2  1/2 qt. 

Sunday, June 29, 2014 (WS diet Day 1)

Ahhh, Sunday... Our day of rest and also Day 1 for me in my one week WS diet(Wonder Soup)....

Day 1: You can only eat fruits today(except bananas) and as much of the wonder soup as you like. 

 This morning was pretty usual... I had an apple and some grapes for breakfast. For lunch, I had a bowl of the WS, an apple and some grapes. I also cheated a little and had some of Eric's delicious homemade icecream... I KNOW, I KNOW!! First day and I have already cheated!! No more of that lol... About an hour later I was dying to snack!! So I warmed up some more of the soup and ate it. It satisfied me well :) I had a friend warn me of the soups astounding ability to send you to the bathroom often, and sure enough... 3 hours later I am indeed in the bathroom. Wow! I also read on the blog that I pulled this recipe from that by the end of the week, she felt "clean" inside... So I hope that's how I will feel as well.. :) I plan to keep my routine as normal as possible so pray for me!! Haha! Day 1... So far not bad at all :)..... 

Ok, so day 1 was a fail for me lol... Should have started it tomorrow! We were invited to a friends house for supper and I so cheated and had some grilled zucchini and squash, and some grilled potatoes and a bite or two of corn. I'm just gonna keep going and *try to stay away from friends offering good food haha!! 

Meals:

Breakfast: apple, grapes

Lunch: Wonder soup, apple, grapes( and a little icecream)

Supper: Wonder soup, and lots of cantaloupe, watermelon, 2 peaches, potatoes, and grilled veggies.  

Snacks: extra bowl of soup

Exercise: not much... It's my day of rest.

Total Steps: 2,152

Water:1 1/2 qt.?

The 1 week "Wonder Soup" diet

So I am sure that many of you have heard of this diet.... It consists of a cabbage soup that they give you the recipe for and then on each day you are allowed to eat only certain things and I will post how each day goes for me and what I'm allowed to eat. I'm really not bothered with eating vegetables so I'm looking forward to it, I don't think it's going to be an extremely hard diet for me, but we will see how I feel about it at the end of the week. Wish me luck and lots of pounds lost!

Here is a quick overview of the "Wonder Soup Diet"...

Wonder Soup recipe

•1/2 head of cabbage, chopped

•1 cup celery, diced

•1 cup white or yellow onion, diced

•1 cup carrots, diced

•1 green bell pepper, diced

•2-3 cloves garlic, minced

•4 cups chicken broth

•1 14oz. can of basil,oregano,garlic diced tomatoes

•1 tsp. oregano

•1 tsp. basil

•1/2 tsp. red pepper flakes

•Few shakes of black pepper

•1/2 tsp. salt(optional)

Instructions:

1. Heat 2 tbsp. of olive oil in a large pot over medium heat

2. Add celery, onions, bell peppers, and carrots.

3. Sauté until slightly tender and then stir in minced garlic.

4. Pour in chicken broth. 

5. Stir in tomatoes and cabbage

6. Bring to a boil and reduce heat, cook until cabbage is tender.

7. Stir in all spices.( I added mine while it was cooking so that the spices would permeate the food)

8. Taste and adjust seasonings as needed. 

9. Eat and enjoy!!

Day 1:

Only fruit today(except bananas) along with the wonder soup. 

Day 2:

Only veggies today(except corn or other starchy vegetables) and soup. It says you may have a baked potato for breakfast.

Day 3:

You may have fruits and veggies (minus the exceptions,and no potato...) along with soup. 

Day 4: 

Today is only bananas, milk and yogurt along with soup...( I am looking forward to this day)

Day 5:

Only tomatoes(6-8) and protein like fish, turkey, or chicken today along with soup... Mmmm... Bring on the meat!!

Day 6:

Today is protein and veggies day... Any vegetable(minus restricted) and same type protein with soup...

Day 7:

LAST DAY!! Today is fruits, veggies (minus restricted) and juices only with the wonder soup. 

Hope to be a lot lighter by this day!!!

Saturday, June 28, 2014

Boy....Today has been a day of this and that but not much of nothin....lol Does that even make sense? Slept in this morning, got up had a brunch meal as I started on making food for an upcoming diet I plan to try( more on that in my next post!) That took a while, and mostly just sat around....(Hoping to get in a evening walk...we will see) Watched some tv, chatted with my sis for a while....and yeah...that's about it.

Meals: 
Breakfast/lunch: 2 hard boiled eggs, banana/water

Afternoon/late lunch:Eric brought home some pizza, which I decided to endulge in since starting tomorrow I will be on a strict diet for a week.

Supper: salad and some cantelope :)

Snacks: Eric made some homemade icecream for a ss teachers meeting tomorrow at church and I had to taste test it ;) but just a couple bites though., apple

Exercise: a nice walk on the new community walking trail. 
Total Steps: 5,041

Water: 2 qt. 

Friday, June 27, 2014

What a day!! Busy busy busy! I had gym this morning and then got on the elliptical....THANK YOU Annika for being my work out buddy today :) After gym, came home got started on lunch...after lunch, ran my sis to work, then bank, bills, then home again. Then went grocery shopping. Then ate supper and breathed! Haha! It has been a good day :)

Meals:
Breakfast: 1 hard-boiled egg, 1 protein bar, and a banana/coffee

Lunch: had planned on salad but was in a rush so I just grabbed some chicken nuggets and a hashbrown I had made for the kids and ran out the door :/

Supper: Salad with ham, cheese, ranch and chopped up hb egg :) with a little deer meat.

Snacks: banana, apple

Exercise: 1 hr. devoted fitness, 25 min. on the elliptical
( I was super excited today.....I checked my steps after class and had close to 6,900 steps!! I was within 300 steps of my 10,000 when we left the gym!)
Total Steps: 12,285!!

Water: 2 qt.

My random thoughts...

So here is my little nugget of wisdom for the day.... If you wait till you have time to exercise... You'll never exercise. It has to become a priority on your daily agenda with a specific time set aside for it. Whether it's in your calendar or not is a good indication of just how "important" it is to you.....

Weekly weigh-in 6/26/14

Today I weighed 310lbs. So I'm pleased with my progress. I have lost 4 lbs., I really want to keep this momentum up and finally reach the 200's!!! I didn't get to take a progress picture today, but I will def. get one next week!

Thursday, June 26, 2014

Today has been an alright day. I did some light house cleaning, and attempted to get some work done in the garden, however the rain had different plans for me :(  I was however productive in getting all my pictures from my phone copied to my computer so I could erase them off my phone! Anywho, here is my daily info and tomorrow is gym day!!!

Meals:

Breakfast: oops, forgot about that meal!!

Lunch: leftovers from supper

Supper: cheeseburger with lettuce. No bread and fried green beans. 

Snacks: apple, 2 oranges, banana

Exercise: just a movin around the house...

Total steps: 4,122...so close, but it was 10 and I needed to get to bed...

Water: 1 qt. 

Wednesday, 6/25/14

Today has been a good day. Had class this morning and will be trying out a class in the evening on the 1st of July. We will see how that goes...hoping to find a time that works best for people to come. I really need to find me a work out partner for after class. It really stinks working out alone. So, if you need a work out partner and don't mind coming to Atlas let me know ;). I have been dropping weight and I would suspect tomorrow to be a good weigh in day. We will see :) 

Meals~

Breakfast: 2 protein bars/water

Lunch: soup

Supper: Taco Salad(chips, lettuce, cheese, deer meat)

Snack: strawberry protein bar, 3 cookies

Exercise: 1 hr devoted fitness, 25 min. On the elliptical

Total Steps: somewhere close to 10,000. I wasn't able to wear my phone the whole time in class to count all my steps. 

Water: 2 qt. 

6/24/14

Today was a pretty good day. I practiced some new df songs... I don't have them down enough to actually do them in class, but I'm excited about practicing them more and doing them in class soon.  Today was a good day with eating and exercising. My goal is to reach 5000 steps on the days I don't go to the gym, so I'm glad that I made it today :) I didn't do so well with water intake though. I gotta work on that!

Meals:

Breakfast: protein meal bar

Lunch: salad with ranch

Supper: deer steak and green beans

Exercise: 

Practiced df songs and really tried to keep myself movin.

Total Steps: 5,059

Water: 

1 qt.

Devoted Fitness....

Devoted fitness, such an amazing ministry to be a part of and I find myself being really bummed out. Today I had made an event, invited close to 200 women to come and try devoted fitness for free and only one showed up(which is a regular). I can expect some resistance to this ministry because well it has Christ as it's center and it will have opposition from Satan. Sometimes I feel like, "What business do I have leading this class?" I am extremely overweight, I am just now to where I can do the full hour without having to modify moves..... And a lot of times my self-conscious gets the best of me and I worry about what I look like in front of people. But I feel like God has led me to where I am, and though I feel completely inadequate for such a task, I know that God does not call the qualified, He qualifies the called....So with that in mind I have to just set aside my feelings of inadequacy and self-consciousness and do it. I may not look the best, I may not be the best and there may be many women in the class that would be way more qualified and visually appealing than I am to be leading it, but God hasn't called them, He's called me. So I will keep doing it, regardless of whether there is 1 person in class or 2, or 5, or 20....  I will set my feelings aside and I will lead the class into worship with God and trust that God will take care of the rest. God will make all of my inadequacies, adequate. Though totally scared walking into every class, I will trust that God will work out all of the rest if I am faithful and show up and be willing to allow Him to use me in this ministry. I pray for more women to come, not because I want to have a class full.... to make myself feel accomplished. But because I want other women to experience being able to worship and lean on God while pushing yourself to keep going when your inner self says, "I'm tired. Just quit." And honestly, it's no fun to work out alone, being around other women, especially women in Christ, it gives me motivation to keep going, to continue on my journey. My journey of losing weight and also my walk with Christ. To be able to share prayers and praises with each other after class and getting lost in worship together while working out and being there for each other is amazing. So I feel God is testing me. I feel Him saying,  "Angel, even if  only one shows up, will you be faithful? Will you do what I have called you to do?" Yes. I will. Regardless. I will pray for the growth of this ministry while I continue to be faithful in leading it. And I pray my willingness to be real and vulnerable will somehow be a blessing to someone else.....  Maybe someone in the same boat as I am in, who feels too self-conscious to come and workout will find motivation through me. That's my prayer. Lord use me.